I witnessed the lowest, disgusting, humiliating, completely deprived occurrence three years back while still deep in the trenches navigating the court system. Who am I kidding? I am still deep, deep in the trenches.
I found myself thinking about it today. Yesterday I got a phone call denying us once again of much, needed help. Conversation riddled with ‘too complicated’, ‘not equipped’ – burning my ears. Suddenly I was ha k to three years ago facing a memory I had long forgotten. Something that shut down my ability to process as I rattled endlessly about nothing trying to push back all that I could not mentally comprehend in that moments afterwards.
My family needed me present and in my mom responsibility mode as I wanted only to disappear into some mountain side vastness as a small, overlooked spec of dirt. I was surrounded by so so much noise as my internal dialogue screamed please quiet over and over again. ‘I’m sorry I feel really out of it’ – ‘it’s ok I’m sorry to hear that babe’. As I kept what I just could not share to myself; the shame of what had been done to me paralyzed me to even let the tall one in.
Last night I was restless, sleepless, nightmare ridden. I awoke wanting to run to the emptiness nothingness I can find. Places described as wilderness, back country, not maintained – emptiness. When you walk into the lowest aspects of society I do believe you just convince yourself that there must be hope. Because hope is hard to find. As the shock gives its footing to time slipping from raw freshness to dull grey memory I know myself well enough that I will once again reach into that hostile situation knowing full well I am the last to choose to help.
My eyes feel swollen and my legs beg to walk away. My legs beg to just go. I am just begging to go.